I don't love him! My diary is the one who loves him!
by Sabilandako
Summary: Alfred Jones bought a diary… And it was not because he saw Arthur writing on one too! He definitely just bought it to rant about his life… and it was SO not because he could rant about Arthur! You're wrong! But really, it's the diary's fault that the pages were slowly being filled with Arthur's name...Because there's no way Alfred would write about him like that... Right...?
1. Beginning of a match for Arthur's love

Alfred Jones bought a diary… And it was not because he saw Arthur writing one too! He definitely just bought it to rant about his life… and it was SO not because he could rant about Arthur! You're wrong! But really, it's the diary's fault that the pages were slowly being filled with Arthur's name...Because there's no way Alfred would write about him like that... Right...?

* * *

**Edit: **word**- Strikethroughed, a.k.a. Alfred furiously erased it.**

**Dear diary,**

Ew. That sounded girly and unheroic.

**Hey diary,**

Ugggh... Why can't I write normal greetings?

**Diary dude,**

Okay, you know what, I don't care what you're called. Fuck you, diary. :/

Oh... That was unheroic of me. Well, you're just a diary, so yeah. I'm still the hero though! »:DD

Allow me to introduce myself properly. (And Mattie says I'm rude concerning about being introduced to other people. Hey, it's in my blood to be excited about meeting other people! It's not my fault they are spooked that I hug them... And it's not like I can hug you, right? Oh wait, I can! And I'm totally hugging you right now!) I'm Alfred F. Jones, normally known as the 'Hero'! Because really, I save people from their problems! :DDD

Welp, anyways, I'm a junior student at this awesome academy! And when I say awesome, I meant heroically awesome! Well, that school just houses students from different parts of the world! I'm from the ever freedom-loving and awesome, and BAMF, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! \\(•u•)/

And yeah, my twin is also studying there, and he's from Canada. He is Matthew Williams. And sometimes, he gets this super power that he becomes invisible! :DD But yeah, he's also kinda shy, but shit, he almost killed me and a particular Bad Touch Trio once with his hockey stick... (*shivers*)

And yeah, where was I?

Ah.

I have tons of friends too! And I'm gonna introduce them one by one since I am not feeling lazy today! And that is almost once in a blue moon...

There's a Japanese (and he's a very cool dude!) with the name of Kiku Honda. And I swear, he's a very fucking awesome buddy! And look, I put the 'fucking' first before the 'awesome'... Because, if I put the 'awesome' first, then the statement would totally change it's meaning... (Awkward...) BUT Yeah, he's my savior when it comes to anime and video games. I mean, he's all quiet and understanding but he is very reliable to be with! He's awesome! :bd

There's a French with the name of Francis Bonnefoy. But seriously, he gets over-affectionate sometimes it becomes downright creepy. There's also a Spaniard named Antonio. And his name is so long and I'm too lazy to write it. But whatever, this guy is so cheerful! XDD He's always smiling and shits like that, so he's pretty cool too. And then, there's a self-proclaimed Prussian with the name of Gilbert Beilschmidt. And yeah, he's German and he's always saying 'Awesome'. I mean, it's like it is the only thing that comes out of his mouth. Imagine this, he would come up to you and he would say "Awesome awesome. Awesome? Awesome awesome awesome!" And shizz like that XDD. But he's an albino, and he's really awesome. But I'm still the hero, though!

Together, the three of them forms the Bad Touch Trio.

Sooo, there are also two Italians (they're twins, which is cool! They're like Mario and Luigi! But don't tell them that. I might get killed... XDD). Their names are Feliciano and Lovino Vargas. Hahaha would you believe it, they're twins and yet they are polar opposites? XD But hey, Mattie and I are twins too, and we're different than each other! :DD

Ah, there's also a German (a strict one at that too) with the name of Ludwig Beilschmidt. Hahaha man, this guy is nuts. He's all strict but then he would get blushy when he's with Feli! Hahaha that never fails to amuse me XD And if you, my dear diary, still haven't noticed, Ludwig is the younger brother of Gil. Hahaha you see, their also opposites!

Then, there's also a Chinese (and I owe him crap of ton of money...) named Yao Wang. And sometimes, it becomes Wang Yao... I don't even know why... But shit, I swear when I get richer I will treat him to Mickey d's and I'll never pay him with the money I owe. XD

And yeah, there's a Russian (*shivers*) But I'm wondering, why is he even on my list? Pfffft. Him, my friend? Ha! More like rival. And he's creepy :/ I don't know, but we are always at odds... And shit, have you heard his laugh? Gaaaaah, I swear, I AM NOT AFRAID OF HIM! You hear me? I'm the hero and I never get scared even though he's really creepy and he always holds that weird pipe and oh no he might kill me next and oh my go-

I AM NOT SCARED! And yeah, I just need to pee that's why my handwriting became shaky...

But moving on, I have many more friends. I am popular, you know? That's because I'm heroically great! »XD

Oh... There's also another friend of mine. And he's from the UK, particularly England. Actually, he's another rival-ish friend-ish of mine.

Arthur Kirkland. You know him?

...

Well of course you don't! You're just a freaking diary! I just bought you so there's no way you know him! »:O

And wow, do I have anger issues? Meh. No of course. Because villains have anger issues, and I do not have them 'cause I'm the hero.

Speaking of which, I'm sure Arthur got anger issues. And he's the villain.

You ask why?

Well, he's the reason I bought you! I mean, he's always writing in these kind of notebooks almost all time of the day (except when he's doing student council work, and except when he's talking to his imaginary friends). And yeah, it's not like I bought you just because I always gaze at Arthur that I subconsciously know he writes in one of these. Pssssh. I do not stare at him more than I should that I can't even focus on the teacher because Arthur is worth staring at!

...

Did I just write that...?

Shit...

You bitch! What's your problem?! You suddenly brought that grumpy Brit into the conversation! Look, I even managed not to describe him and yet you made me write that I totally stare at him like I have a crush on him because he's hot and gorgeous?!

Okay fuck, diary! I do not think he's hot and and **drop dead** gorgeous!

Let me clear things!

He's not worth staring at because he's creepy! He got problems and I don't know, he's creepy and very grumpy! »:O IN SHORT, HE IS A CREEPY AND GRUMPY OLD MAN.

Grumpy grumpy grumpy grumpy creepy creepy creepy old man old man grumpy creepy creepy _cute_ cree-

Fuck...

And shit, you brought him into conversation again... You know, I might think you have a crush on Arthur...

Tsk. But yeah. The real reason I bought you, which is totally not because of that Brit, was so that I can rant about my life.

And not to rant about Arthur...

AND GAAAAAAHHHH! You really do love Arthur, huh?! Why must you always put that name here?! For all I know, you're mind-controlling me into writing that cursed name!

Okay... Calm down Alfred...

As I was saying, I bought this so that I can recount my **daily heroic personal experiences.**

Hey, that's what diaries are for, right?

And of course you can't answer. You're just a freaking notebook! :/

Yeah...

You know, I started writing this at nine o' clock in the morning... And then I'm sure I got distracted more than once because I always see the color Green... And then two caterpillars...

So, it's like one in the afternoo-

AND OH GOSH!

I need to go now. I have only realized I have a study session with Arthur! :O

...And it's not a date!

You're assuming things, dairy! That's unheroic! »:((

It's a study session! And I should go now because he might blow his top off if I'm late again... Hahahah although I would like to see him fume and be angry at me. Hahaha have you seen his face when he's angry? He's totally red in the face. XDDD

**And it's kinda cute...**

Okay, you know what, fuck you diary! He's not cute! NEVER!

Actually, I hate you now. You made me late for our session... Maybe I won't write on you anymore because you pick on me! And it would be your fault if i fail at English class again because Arthur won't teach me now! Tch...

Well, I will still try to meet up. It's not like I am excited to see him...

And shit, I HATE YOU! »:OOOO

Okay, hell, I'll fucking go now, you satanic diary!

...

And it's still not a date!

-_The hero,_

_Alfred F. Jones_

* * *

**Haha what have I just written? Omg, I don't even know... But meh... Hahaha okay. And at least Im alive!**

**So, this story is just a past-time for me to escape from writer's block... And yeah, don't worry, I'll update my other stories... I swear...**

**And this is a multi-chap story, if you didn't know, and this is like a diary... A diary with no date written. Haha that's heroic! And I noticed that I made Alfred sprout 'Hero' all the time... Maybe I should change that later on? And he's super OOC here, right?**

**But yeah. Actually, feel free to ignore me. I don't even know if I should continue this. Haha sorry :))**

**(* I have just realized that this is the first romance I have ever written! :OO*)**


	2. A good day NOT centering around Arthur

**Haha hello. Just a reminder: Matthew is Alfred's twin brother. Haha sorry for the inconvenience for the first chapter. Sumimasen. (*bows*) Thank you Crazy. Rabbit 2 for pointing that out. :D**

**And yeah. Since strikethrough couldn't be seen on this site,**

****word**= strikethroughed, a.k.a Alfred furiously erased it.**

* * *

Hey.

...

OMG! Look, I have managed a normal greeting! :DD And I'll never have problems on what should I call you now! Why? That's because I'm the hero! \m/ XDD

Wooooohoooo! So you'd be called 'Hey' now!~

...

So. Where was I?

Ah yes. Hello again, my dear diary! :3 I'm happy today so I'm writing on you! Look, I even managed to forgive you for what you did on my first entry! Hahaha so this becomes my second entry now huh? Well, expect more entries from now on, given that you don't offend me! »:D

Anyways, as I said, I'm happy today. Actually, it started yesterday AFTER my _study session _that was definitely NOT a date with Arthur. And I said AFTER my study session so that means I was happy NOT DURING my meeting with him. You see, I can't even stand Artie's presence...

And don't judge me, dammit! 'Artie' is Arthur's nickname!

Haha, a **cute** nickname for a **cute** guy like him...

...

WTF?!

You managed to anger me again, you satanic diary! How many have I told you that HE'S NOT CUTE?! »:O

HE'S NOT CUTE!

**He's just adorable...**

Tsk.

You're so totally a mood ruiner... »:/

(Does that term even exists?)

ANYWAYS, as I was saying, yesterday was GREAT! And I'll admit that some of the good things that happened were during my session with Arthur. And c'mon, it's not because of him that I'm happy yesterday even though he was so gorgeous while he was teaching me. Pssssh. You're just imagining it. Totally imagined...

Yeah. So, it started while he was talking about complicated words and shit. And I was getting bored and bored and BORED. Well, who wouldn't be when Artie kept on talking like the boring guy he sure is? (**Even though he got an accent that's just so sexy and ho-**)

Oh. Fuck you.

You really like to interrupt me, huh?! Well, guess what, I won't be distracted even though you kept on having a crush on Arthur! »:(

And I hate you.

FUDGE YOU THOUGH!

I'll continue now so don't ever interrupt me, okay?!

...

Good...

So before I died out of boredom, my phone heroically vibrated in my pocket! And when I checked it (secretly, of course), it was a text message from Kiku. And since I'm not feeling lazy today even though I got tons of homework, I'll put what he texted. :D

'_Alfred-san, do you still remember the video game that we checked online? The one you ordered? It was delivered a while ago...'_

And then of course, Arthur noticed that I wasn't paying attention.

Why?

IT WAS BECAUSE I PRACTICALLY SQUEALED (A DEFINITELY MANLY SQUEAL) OUT OF HAPPINESS! XDDD

So, yeah. I was so happy that time I didn't care that he got angry at me for not paying attention and for being noisy.

(And of course, another good thing was that I saw him get red in the face again... **Just how cute was that?!**)

DAMMIT, he's not cute DAMMIT! »:OO

...

Calm down Alfred... Getting angry is not heroic...

Moving on, I heroically apologized even though I really didn't mean it. And he bought my apology. Pfffffft. Arthur's so gullible that he sometimes could become an angel...

An angel that got huge eyebrows! XDDD

But seriously, Artie would make a **cute-** **hot-** angel. Just don't mind his nasty attitude and he's good for the part.

You see, I hate him because of his attitude.

«Cough cough»

As I was saying, the second great thing that happened was when Artie agreed to go with me to Mickey D's! Hahha woooooohhhh! And IT WAS STILL NOT A DATE!

I mean, that guy really is not fond of fast food chains, so it was kinda hard for me to convince him to go with me. And I said 'to go WITH me' not 'to go OUT with me'...

See? There's a huge difference.

It's not like I'll actually ask him for a date! There are tons of girls who just want me to go out with them, so Artie doesn't stand a chance. Pfffft. I would never ever ask him out on a date even though he's more beautiful than those girls...

And wow. Could it be that you're the one wanting to ask Arthur out on a date?! «Le gasp» But think, it's not like he'll date you because you're a diary.

Why?

It's because he's already in a relationship with his tea! XDDD

I mean, he loves tea so much that it's very much as well be the one running down on his bloodstream instead of red blood cells. (And look, I know so MUCH about science and NOT just about Artie's life!~)

Pffft. But really, if Arthur loves his tea so much then why don't he marry it? Hahaha they could get married and then they could go to their honeymoon and make love and-—

Oh heavens, I would never let Arthur marry that satanic and perverted tea!

...

Oh.

And fuck you! I AM NOT JEALOUS AT ALL THAT HE'S ALWAYS TEA THIS AND TEA THERE that he almost forgets about my heroic presence which fucking hurts! »:((

...

And I definitely don't care if he ignores me because I can ignore him too if I want! He's just lucky that I choose to acknowledge his presence even though he ignores me and others in favor of his beloved tea! »:'(((

AND THE HERO ALWAYS BEATS THE VILLAIN WHICH IS THE TEA!

...

Ouch.

You hurt me, diary. :(( And you ruined my heroic mood again...

It would be your fault if I don't continue to narrate the good things that happened to me yesterday. :'((

...

But, since I'm the hero, I'll continue because I can't have you hanging in suspense right? :)

So, the next great thing that happened to me took place after we have eaten at that heroic place. You see, we need to pass by the park so that we could get to the boy's dormitory that's part of the academy. So yeah, while we were walking (and really, if you have seen the night sky, it was full of stars and the moon was so bright and I was mentally 'awwwwwww'ing because it looks romantic... But it was NOT romantic because I refuse to accept it! Anything that got to do with Arthur wouldn't be romantic in another millenium or so! »:DD ) under the starry sky, and while we were just talking pleasantly (and for once, without a fight) about random things, Arthur suddenly confessed that I could be a good company when I'm not being a git...

And you don't know how much I was overjoyed when I heard that! :''DD really, I felt like I was on cloud nine back there and it almost took all of my willpower not to bear hug Arthur! X''DD

...

And I'm not happy because I finally saw that I could have a chance to ask him out on a date! REALLY, I was just happy because I heard that I could be a real hero that makes the people I care about to be comfortable with my presence!

...

And what the hell, I don't care about him dammit! When will you ever learn that, diary?!

But yeah... I think that was all the great things that happened to me yesterday... And it definitely DO NOT revolve around Artie. Nope, not at all! :PP

So... I'm not finished yet! I still didn't get to narrate the great things that happened to me today!

I'm gonna start when we had our breakfast. You see, Mattie agreed to make his heavenly maple-y pancakes! And I swear, I could die because of the god-sent taste of the pancakes! I definitely did hugged Mattie because of that! (And at least he could cook heavenly food unlike a certain creepy Brit I know that could cook weapons of mass destruction... But don't tell him that. He would call me 'git' and 'wanker' non-stop.)

Then, the next great thing that happened was that Kiku stopped by with the new video game that we ordered! And then woooooooh, we played all day! Man, Kiku is such an awesome friend! (And at least even though Kiku acts like an old man sometimes, he is fun to be with! Unlike a certain grumpy Brit I know that always acts like an old man... But hell, have you seen his punk mode?! That was hella **hot and sexy!** outrageous!)

Okay diary, I didn't say 'hot and sexy' you got me?! You're the one who wrote that, not me, okay?!

Tsk.

Yeah. And the things I was talking about a while ago definitely do not lead to Arthur. It's not like all I ever talk about always ends up with his name! You're just imagining it because you like Arthur!

...

Wow. Now that I re-read this whole entry, two-thirds is all about Artie...

Are you obsessed with him or something?

I ship diary x Arthur now...

AND I'M NOT JEALOUS DAMMIT! »:T you could hog Artie for all yourself!

Tsk. Fuck you and your weird fantasies about Arthur that definitely do not come out of me!

_The hero,_

_-Alfred F. Jones_

* * *

(sorry for the unreplied reviews)

**Hahah wow, wasn't that hella crappy?**

**And look, I still couldn't get to update 'England's Childishly Fun Adventure', 'English Swap', and 'Hear My Thoughts'... (*subtly advertising other stories...*) /*shot**

**Feel free to ignore me :))**


	3. Heroic Tutor and a ho-- grumpy student

**Chapter 3: A Heroic Tutor and a **hot** annoying student (PART 1)**

**Hello guys! I am back again :D Well, shit happens, so I am sorry for the wait! •ω•**

**So, this idea popped into my head during our vocation talk in our school. And when I say Vocation talk, I mean a conference that revolves around priesthood and some shizz about holy life... And yes, during that time, my mind was in the gutter... Am I really that of a huge pervert? XD**

**Anyways, here's the reply for the reviews since first chapter since I don't know whether I had replied to them or not~:**

DjFreaksta: XDD I really do think that this story is not that funny. Just plain shitty XD And, it's my pleasure madame. :')

Crazy. Rabbit 2- I had already changed it :)

ZanyAnimeGirl: I continued it? Hahaha, why out of the park? :)

TheYellowBrickRoadToTardis: I like your name XD Hahah and really, he should be a hero with pms.

Canada92: Here you go~

**Warnings: lots and lots of sexual thoughts. A very plausible OOC!Alfred.**

**Note: **word**- strikethroughed, a.k.a Alfred furiously erased it.**

**I do not own Hetalia.**

* * *

Dear Heroic diary of mine,

We have met again! :DD After 23 hours of not writing here, here I am again to recount some of my heroic experience!~

You know, you should consider yourself lucky! I am spending my oh so precious time on writing on you. I actually should be doing important things, but here I am, writing heroically on you just so that I can fill your big appetite with my awesome handwriting!

Don't deny it, I know how much you love me and when I write on you!~ «3

(But really, you're not even breathing so you shouldn't feel such attractions towards me~)

But, stop! The hero's getting flattered! ;'D «le heroic and definitely manly giggle~»

...

So anyways, what was I saying again?

... Ah yes! I should be doing important things, not writing on you, my dear diary!

And when I say 'important', that means, 'studying'...

Midterms are coming up and I still haven't studied anything! :OO

(But don't worrrrryyy!~ I am a hero and heroes pass any exams that hinder their awesome way! XDD)

Welp, yes. I actually should be studying those easy-peasy subjects for our midterms. I mean seriously, I can get a high score on those exams without even studying! Ha! (And don't believe Mattie when he says that my grades are failing because of one particular sexy person which serves as a huge distraction.)

But I have a reason right now. I actually can't study as of now, you see?

And it's because of one simple thing:

Our stodgy old council president _begged _me to tutor him on Science!

...

Well... Not actually _begged... _«Sheepish laugh... Wait, yeah, I'm actually laughing a sheepish laugh right now. XD» He just kind of _asked _me nicely (which was a first ever since I met him) to teach him on science. But I am a hero, and who am I to ignore those who are suffering? :DD

**Well, his blushing face when he asked me the favor was a very HUGE plus...**

...

Okay, what the fuck?! »:(( You just did not make me write that horrendous sentence! »:OO I mean seriously, who would like that blush that could make anyone's stomach fill with butterflies?!

**Especially on my stomach that just suddenly have butterflies whenever he would blush and smile...**

...

Tsk.

Look, I disturbed Artie on answering the exercise I gave him when I banged you on the table!

AND OH MY FUCKING HELL! Why are you giving innuendos?! I did not _bang _you as in _fucked_! You don't even have a hole which I can fuck to begin with!

And I am not even thinking about engaging in sexual situations with non-living things! »:OOO

JUST. WHAT. THE. FUCK...

What I mean is, when I _smacked_ you on the table! Get your facts damn straight! Ewww! (I am so vomiting right now...)

Besides, if I have to bang—as in fuck—someone, then there's only one person I can think of!

And it's NOT so definitely Arthur! Stop suggesting things! »:"((

Tsk...

And look what you did, you stupid diary! Artie's now glaring at me and cursing me for "not teaching and tutoring me, you bloody git! And what more, you're so fucking noisy that I can't focus at all on this bloody worksheet you gave me!"

(**_smudged and unreadable words_**) Damn you, diary!

...

(**_drops of blood and tears_**)

Aaahhh. I managed to calm him down... And finally he's back on continuing the exercise I gave him... «Le sigh»

But I still don't forgive you! »:((

...

Tsk… Okay, since you're stupid and all, let me tell what's happening, since I know you're so busy on assuming things that you don't get what the hell I am talking about. (Hmp!) »:((

Me and Arthur (Whooops, it should be 'Arthur and I') are in the library; studying and preparing for our midterms exam. And actually, he's the only one studying, since I am just writing on you XD (but I still don't forgive you, so that should be a »:T not a XD )

Now, do you get what the heroically things I am talking about?

Of course you should get it by now! You're not some random reader of one particular fanfiction focused on me writing on a diary about my so-definitely-imagined affection towards Arie! XDD

(Yep, I'm a psychic in disguise!)

Welp anyways, since we are on the topic of studying, let me share something that would definitely shock you!

There is one thing that I really don't get. (Which is saying something since I am a hero and I should understand everything…)

I'm sure you know the fact that Artie's the top in our batch and he's always acing every subject right? But guess what; in all his smartness, he doesn't get science.

I mean seriously?! Science is the easiest subject there is in all eternity! In fact, 'English' should be the one everyone should have trouble with! «Le sigh»

I really don't get British people...

Especially one particular **hot** arrogant Briton.

(Wait, he says he's an Englishman... What does English differ in British anyway?) ?:/

But you know, everything about Artie is weird. His eyebrows are weird and huge (**and they're also cute**), his eyes are so creepy (**but they're so bright and enchanting**), his lips and teeth are crooked (**but I always dream on sucking and licking them—)

OH MY FUCKING GOSH!

What the fuck are you talking about?! I, Alfred F. Jones, have never thought of kissing Artie so deeply that his hands would tangle in my hair and that he would moan as my tongue invade his mouth and then he would feel my hands gripping his sexy ass and then we would rut with each othe—

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And you just did not make me write that super descriptive scene! »:'O

Just how could you?! :'(((

...

I hate you! »':T

...

I do not think about Arthur like that! I never think about how sexy he is whenever he wears his punkish clothes! I also do not think how fast and hard I am going to thrust inside hi— AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY INNOCENT MIND?!

You are so damn perverted! DX

Fuck it, let me clear some bullshit here!

Let me just tell you that I never ever think of how I could make him moan- AND OMG HE REALLY JUST MOANED NOW!

(He says that he doesn't understand what he was answering...)

But... Is it me or Artie's moan just made my pants hotter and tighter than before...?

...

Wow...

(**_squiggly lines and words**)_

I'm sure it's not because of Arthur and the daydream of me fucking him that I would get to hear his lusty moans that made me have this boner! You're just imagining such lewd things, you perverted diary! And it's so not because of arousal that my handwriting became shaky! »:''(((

THIS IS YOUR ENTIRE FAULT DAMMIT!

«Sobs»

I really do hate you! Now I have to go to the restroom to fix this shit! ».«

Well, fuck you and your hidden lust towards Artie! »:(

-_The Suffering Hero,_

_-Alfred F. Jones_

* * *

**Welp. Hahah another chapter full of USUK hints! XD And no, I'm not sorry for this chapter's suckiness. »:D**

**Hahahaha, go on, shout at me and tell me my wrong grammar and spelling mistakes! Also, please teach me a lesson on how not to be lazy and just go and be diligent on checking mistakes!**

**Lastly, review! Tell me what you want to see after the tutoring part 2! :D**

**Goodbye, lovelies~**

**-The goddess of laziness and procrastination**

**~Sabila «3**


	4. A quarrel of beverages

**So I am back again! I think I've neglected this story for a few months, to which I am truly sorry for. I mean, I am just a huge lazy procrastinator with no life so yeah. Hahaha so about this chapter; I would thank **Hungryforpasta** for providing me some plot to be used. A round of applause for **Hungryforpasta**, chaps!**

**And yep, let's answer some reviews, shall we? :3**

BooksAreLikeChocolateButBetter**\- Wow. I really like your username and it's so truuueeee!~ And here you go! :DD**

Hungryforpasta**\- Once again, thank you for that wonderful suggestion. And of course, English is way more better (and easier, for me) than Science. And probably Math too :DD**

Katsuki Tomoyo**\- Hahah I'll go definitely watch that movie! And here's the next chapter for you!**

Dj Freaksta**\- Omg hahaha hi! How is my loveable buddy doing? And as usual, I am thanking you once again for reading this story! Hey, why don't you pm me since you have made an account and together let's make some story? I really do want to collaborate with you! :DD**

Half Demon Alchemist**\- And here you can finally see our what our poor suffering hero will do! And here you go; a fresh new update! :D**

Sooo reader**\- omg what did I do? But please forgive me for this very late update and I am sorry I didn't get to post another chapter quickly. TT_TT But hey, at least I have another chapter up! :DD **

**And so, on with the story!**

**I don't own Hetalia :)**

**Note:**

****word** - Alfred furiously erased it.**

**(******_word**_****) - This is what appears on the paper; example being squiggly lines or a red marker or a doodle of eyebrows.**

**Warnings: lots of curses and foul words; a very probable OOC! Alfred, or basically, an Alfred possessed by Lovino's soul.**

* * *

Dear heroic diary of mine,

First of all, let me say something in big bold capital letters so you would always remember this when the time comes I am already too lazy or old to even write on these girly things that Arthur always manages to write on one which truly confuses me because I mean, why is he so freaking girly? He does embroidery and he talks like a girl and he acts like one and he looks like a **very beautiful and perfect** lady and HOLY SHIT YOU JUST DID NOT MAKE ME WRITE THAT SO DEFINITELY UNTRUE PHRASE!

He, Arthur Fucking Kirkland, is not, in any way or form, a beautiful lady **surpassing that of a goddess** in my two blue eyes! »:T

He is not fucking pretty because he is a boy **although he is so overwhelmingly cutely effeminate** and WHY THE HELL HAD WE MANAGED TO GET OFF ON OUR TOPIC?!

This is all your freaking fault, diary dickhead!

I was just about to tell you something but you evilly made me lose my train of thoughts by letting my mind go into a very dangerous thought to even think of, which is that pansy Briton!

And look, you managed to evade our first topic once again!

Shame on you! «Cue sounds of thunder!»

So anyway, before you once again try to stop the hero with your villainous acts, I'm going to tell you what I intended to say so in the beginning in big bold capital letters so you would always remember this when the time comes I am already too lazy or old to even write on these girly things that Arth-:

**I HATE YOU!**

So how does it feel? How does it feel to have someone say they hate you, huh?! I bet it does hurt! »:/

But I know you can't feel anything because you're just an inanimate object so I am going to repeat it to make sure you can feel it this time! »:DD

**I HATE YOU!**

Hah yes! I'm sure you can feel the pain now! Well, guess what, that is what I exactly felt yesterday because of what you did to me last chapter—I mean, on my last entry!

In case if you don't remember, like some of the readers of one particular author who is writing a story about me writing a diary, **which is completely impossible because I know I can't just break the fourth wall like that**, I'm going to remind you of that very shameful act you just committed towards me.

I fucking got a raging boner because of your lewd imagination and your perverted thoughts! And the thing is, those are all centering on that very arrogant **and very freaking _hot and sexy delicious Brit and I am feeling another boner right no—** _AND NO, YOU BASTARD! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FANTASIZES ABOUT ARTIE LIKE THAT, NOT ME!

**NOT ME!**

I, Alfred Fucking Jones, do not fantasize about Eyebrows like that! You're being a huge jerk because you're passing everything onto me like it's my fault and asdfghjkl DID YOU FREAKING KNOW THAT ARTHUR SAW MY BULGE WHEN I RAN FOR THE BATHROOM?!

And he raised one humongous eyebrow in confusion and _I could just feel my soul being auctioned to the black market and then sold to the devil!_

TT_TT

Fucking embarrassing, dude! Not fucking cool!

**And why do I feel like I'm turning into Lovino now?**

Aaaaaggghhh! It's only justifiable if I curse everytime I want to because it's all your fault anyway!

(_**drops of bloods and definitely manly tears, and oh, sweat of frustration**)_

...

...

What...?

...

What the hell was that?!

...

...

You're telling me to get over it? »:O

...

You, a mere diary I bough out of curiosity which was definitely not because I saw Arthur writing on one of these things, is telling me, the mighty hero which definitely do not have a huge crush on the eyebrowed monster, _to get over it?! _o_O

_As if I could ever get over Arthur seeing me with a freaking boner!_

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit! D:«

(And Lovino's soul entered my body when I wrote the sentence above! I swear!)

Asdfghjklqwertyuiopzxcvbnm!

...

Gaaah...!

Hmph, because you so kindly adviced me to quit whining and just move on, which I totally know you are currently thinking about, I'll get over it.

Hardy har-har, I moved on. :/

Tch...

...

No response?

(Well, you're just a diary so I know you couldn't respond, but I'm the hero and you're the ominous villain, so I win!)

Okay, since I grudgingly moved on, with the note on 'grudgingly' because I'll still hold a grudge because of this, let me just tell what happened today.

Today, unlike yesterday which you so kindly ruined, was actually fun for me!

Lemme start narrating with last night, since I know you won't get what the shizz I am talking about because you are such a mood-ruiner.

(See? I am such a forgiving person; therefore, that marks I'm really a hero! :DDD)

And wow. My mood really changes real quick! I'm not even like this in real life; it's only when I'm writing on you that I get so angry and frustrated! I mean, I'm constantly happy almost every time!

...

Wait. Could it be...?

Shit, I am slowly turning into Artie who always has mood swings!

«Screams for 34 years»

...

Hahahahah XD Okay, my caption was pretty funny; admit it, diary! Although that thing about me slowly turning into that grumpy Brit with no default mood is actually scary...

...

Ah, yeah, where was I? Oh yes, I'm gonna narrate my story right now!

So last night, after me and Arthur (And aargh! Once again, it should be 'Arthur and I'!) finished studying on the library, (well actually I came back after I jerked off, since the atmosphere was so awkward that time so we decided to go back to our dorm) I really felt guilty because I disrupted his learning time (and you should definitely feel guilty too, diary). So, with me being the awesome hero I really am, just asked him if he could meet me tomorrow (which is today, and which is NOT DEFINITELY A DATE) so we could continue studying.

But of course, this so-called studying is just me playing around and writing on you with Arthur desperately begging me to tutor him in science! «Evil laugh: MUWAHAHAHAHA»

So, he agreed to meet up with me. And then let's timeskip to the 'tomorrow', which was just this morning.

Okay, so we met up at the entrance of our dorm at about ten in the morning. But in reality it was just Arthur arriving at ten a.m. sharp and me arriving at around ten-thirty but let's just not focus on that because he was kinda angry at me for being so late **and I was angry at him for being so cute—*

AND HOLY SHITBALLS, ARTIE IS NOT CUTE!

I had always told you that Arthur is not cute since the first chapter! But you always forget it; instead never forgetting your crush on that creepy dude! I mean seriously, he isn't even **so adorable and gorgeous and-** cute, so why do have a crush on that guy?

I don't understand you at all.

You're one hell of a diary. (Yep, Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji referrence! All hail anime!)

Anyways once again, after a series of scolding from that old man, we finally set out to walk to where we will study for our exams.

And guess where's the place I planned to go to?

...

Yes, STARBUCKS!

And you should have seen how his face looked like! XDD

I mean seriously, you could see the incredulous expression totally saying 'What the fuck?' on his face! And yep, I totally do know the meaning of incredulous even without the help of Google!~ :3

Hahahaha and man, I wish I had taken a picture of him! He was so red-faced **which was so freaaaaking cuuuuuute!~** and he was just gaping and ohmygosh I just dragged him in and made him sit down. XDD I don't think he noticed that though because he kind of like hit me on the head hard (it still hurts!) when he realized we were already inside the shop! :D :bd

And thus, he grudgingly accepted his fate. (I think he too would hold some grudge against me! But it's okay because I'm a hero!~)

While I was tutoring him on science, (and yes, I will not-so-happily admit that he too tutored me on English and Geography...) my eyes landed on Starbucks' menu and my stomach just kind of growled. And I'm sure Arthur noticed because he was suddenly chuckling softly which was so NOT cute and I was suddenly blushing in embarrassment.

So to save my dignity, I just stood up to order something; and in the process asking what Arthur wants **and I definitely did not secretly want for him to answer 'I want you, Alfred'.**

...

Okay shut up.

AS I WAS SAYING, I couldn't believe my ears when I heard what he wanted.

_Tea._

Artie wants tea. (Omg that rhymed!)

Yeah, I mean, I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted some tea since he's British or something, but c'mon!

Coffee is _way _much more better than that tasteless dirty water!

And I promptly said that opinion to him...

AND HOLY SHITCAKES, ARTHUR SUDDENLY TURNED INTO A MONSTER! :O

(But I'm a hero so I wasn't scared at all! Nope! Definitely not scared!)

I'M NOT SCARED, DAMMIT!

(Okay... Calm down, handsome hero. This diary of yours doesn't know how awesome you are so calm down...!)

And yep! Artie really went all red after I said that and maaaaaaaaaan, do you know what he did? He told me all the reasons why tea was better than coffee, and guess what, his reasons reached up to the number of about a HUNDRED and would you freaking believe how creepy that is?! O_o

BUT! Since I am the hero, and heroes aren't supposed to be ranted on to about teas by villains, I too explained to him why coffee is much more better than his mud water!

And I reached 103 reasons!

BEAT THAT, BRITISH BOY! \m/

(And nope, I'm not creepier than him! And I'm not as obsessed to beverages as him! I just simply **worshi—** adore coffee!)

So yeah, our argument really continued for so long that the girl in the cash register got so annoyed that she gave Artie a coffee grande and me some tea which I don't know the name of! And both me and Artie were like O_o and that's how our ass ended outside Starbucks courtesy of some pissed off customers waiting in line!

HAHAHAHA and that was so fun! :D

But to eyebrows it wasn't. =_=

Although that's alright 'cause he's such a buzzkill old man anyways! XDD

So anywaaaaaays, we ended up walking to the park holding our books and the drinks we so begrudgingly paid for because the lady cashier practically shoved it to our face. And after we sat down on a bench, (with a one meter distance away from each other, thank you very much!) we suddenly found ourselves making a bet!

And do you know how freaking childish the bet is? Like, I mean, Arthur will drink the coffee and I will drink the tea and whoever manages to drink it faster will have the power to boss the loser for a whole day!

Turns out, THE BET WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME AS HELL!

Why?

Because the HERO** WON**!

Hahahah because you see, we were just both ten seconds in the game when Arthur spat out the coffee (which he fucking did _on my face _and ha! I'm so gonna get a revenge for that when he becomes my slave!) which automatically made me the winner!

And I definitely drank all the tea (which is such a heavy deed for my poor poor heart) because I'm a hero! :D

And that is how I, Alfred Fitzgerald Jones, managed to be Arthur Elizabeth Kirkland's master for one whole day! :'D

«Wooooh! Balloons and cakes and ice creams and horns and a whole BAMF party is goin' on in my mind now!»

And I am so tired right now, diary. A lot of things happened to me today. I've got a whole day full of petty quarrels over beverages **and a whole day full of cute blushing red face and asdfghjkl he's just so adorable and I can just die right now I mean I will become Artie's boss and I can finally fulfill my dreams at last and asdfghjkl what the hell I am talking about this is all your fault you damn diary!**

So yes, I am now currently lying on my bed with a definitely NON- EXISTENT blushing face and a lopsided smile like I had just won the lottery! Nope, not all!

And I, Alfred the Hero, definitely do NOT, in any way or form, am starting to like tea how I like my man; Hot and British.

_The Very Happy Hero,_

_-Alfred F. Jones_

* * *

**And yep! The longest chapter I ever wrote for this story. Aren't you guys proud of me? «Evil laugh»**

**So yes. Another chapter full of grammar and spelling errors, but meh. I'm too tired to change those. Besides, I was busy watching the fight between Pacquiao and Mayweather and I really am so distraught Pacquiao lost...**

**A very sad Filipino here! D':**

**But here you go, my dear lovely readers! I bet you have an idea what's going to be on the next chapter, huh? I mean, the next chapter is about why Alfred is so happy!~**

**By the way, BAMF means 'Bad ass mother fucker'. XD**

**See you on the next chapter, which, hopefully, wouldn't take so long to be updated like this chapter!**

**A hamburger for your thoughts? :)**

**-The goddess of laziness and procrastination,**

**~Sabila :D**


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